Almost gone from ND

The packers/movers came and everything is pretty much gone. Just need to do some minor re-packing of all my stuff for the hotel tomorrow and throw out whatever's left in my apartment. It's really empty, and. I. feel. so. FREE.

I'm so GLAD to be getting out of here; this empty apartment doesn't faze me. In fact, as I look around while typing this, the emptiness makes me happy. Excited. Ready.

I told someone that it hasn't hit me yet, and knowing me, I don't think it will until I'm sitting on the plane after lift-off from Minot. There are a few choice songs I've heard and been listening to recently that made me think, "Hey, this seems applicable to my time in Minot." So, without further ado, and in summary of my time here, I dedicate these 3 songs, for the good times, the bad times, and the other times, respectively, to Minot, my time here, and North Dakota, collectively.

Full swing of summer (basically)

After last post's (not quite an) ode, I feel the need to update that we are pretty much in summer now. The sun rises at 6am and doesn't set until 9:20pm, it's often in the 80s during the day, and we haven't even hit real summer yet. (Meaning sunrise/sunset times will continue to get pushed out for longer days—last summer there was still light in the sky at 11pm.)

Summer in the northern tier here is wild, sunny, luscious, lovely. I guess I didn't fully realize it last summer, because I was annoyed at not being able to fall asleep due to so much light leaking through my bedroom blinds. But it was still awesome, and now that I've installed black-out shades, summer is going to be even better.

It gets hot during the day, but it cools waaaay down at night, which I think is perfect. And when I think back on North Dakota summers, one of the most defining memories will always be of sitting in the grandstands at the ND State Fair, watching a country concert live with famous artists I like, and sipping Straw-ber-Ritas. Man, Straw-ber-Ritas. The first one I ever had was at the ND State Fair, and I've had several more since with friends here during the summer. There's nothing really special about them—they taste good I guess, but that taste will always take me back to Minot, to North Dakota summers.

So when the news hit me, it was shocking. Out of the blue, unprepared for it. You know, when you're told you'll be going somewhere for 2 years, and especially if it's a place you wouldn't pick for yourself, you do your best to mentally prepare and commit to it. To make the best of it. To pick out the things you're looking forward to, to think of the people you've come to appreciate and that you know you'll miss. To make the best out of those relationships. Just when it seemed like I had found a good small group, and when I heard my friend was coming to work here and we would run cases together (which we both agreed would be an absolute blast), and handling events and cases I wanted to handle. And right at the beginning of summertime.

Well, I'll have the rest of the summer. It's weird. To want to leave and not want to leave at the same time. But this news was the goal—it was always one of the goals. It was literally one of the enumerated reasons I listed for "pros" of taking the job. So to not say yes would be crazy in a sense. That is, I would have to admit other priorities had overtaken the original, better (?) ones I had set out for myself.

But I don't think it's abnormal to feel a sense of loss and uncertainty when unexpected news, even if welcome, comes. If true, it will make this summer all the more poignant.

Not quite an ode

A quick, kinda funny post about living in places like North Dakota:

Life goes on.

Even when it's December to February, when it was in the -10s to -20s, with wind chill making it feel like -30s to -40s, life goes on.

You come home from the base in the dark cold of winter, strip off every layer of your uniform (including the marshmallow coat), bundle back up in layers of civilian clothes, and go back outside to shop for decorations and then drive to your friend's apartment so you and other friends can decorate it as a surprise for her birthday.

And every morning when it's still pitch black and your nose hairs freeze and your eyes water from the cold, you still go to work. You still go to the gym on those early mornings when it's office PT, and you're shivering and huddled into your coat, carrying a huge bag with your uniform and other gym necessities, walking into the rec center.

You do some fun things, like go to Winnipeg and walk around that beautiful frozen city, on its frozen rivers that have become a natural and manmade playground for the whole city. You walk around in temperatures hovering around 0 degrees in your swimsuit because there's a Nordic spa with outdoor hot pools that you dip into, and you rotate between those and the sauna and steam room.

And when it warms up to the 30s, it truly feels warm. You go dog sledding with huskies that whine like you betrayed them if they can't start the run at exactly the same time the first dog team leaves. You also will leave the gym back home in shorts and a t-shirt because it's really not that bad. And you got this idea from watching others do the same, of course.

And now that it's in the 30s and warm enough to snow, you get the occasional snow storm and you get a day off work. But later that day, when the snow has stopped falling and it's no longer white-out driving conditions, you drive your hardy little Subaru through half a foot of snow still covering or slushed on the roads to have dinner with friends and then catch a movie. And you're surprised by how many other people are also out and about, presumably used to this. And you're grateful too for all the extra police and sheriff cars you see out on the roads, presumably to help anyone who gets stuck in the snow or a ditch. And you yourself are debating whether to drive on the right side of the road, or the left, because you're trying to figure out which ditch you'd rather fall into—just in case. (Left side, by the way, because there aren't any sturdy light poles blocking that potential swerve off the road.)

And these days, even after Spring Forward has passed, the dawn has started to show again when you leave for work in the mornings. It's no longer pitch black. It's actually quite a long day of light, because you live in a place like North Dakota.

And you wait in hope for summer.

Life goes on.

The Greatest Showman

Just watched The Greatest Showman in theater (in a single-theater theater in Minot, for $3, by myself), and I LOVED it.

And that soundtrack is FIRE.

Oh my goodness.

I loved it so much!!!!!! After I parked my car in my garage, I wanted to twirl in the street as I walked to my apartment. It's one of those movies that transports you somewhere else, if even for a little while.

I loved it.

27

I had a really crappy two weeks, and I'm finally sitting down to write about it. (To write about anything in a long time, really.)

I guess things were subconsciously building up, because the 'consciousness' started with the Sunday sermon two weeks ago, on Jan 21st. My church was kicking off a new sermon series on mental health, depression, anxiety etc., because it didn't want that to be taboo and wanted to make sure its members knew that. Which I totally appreciate. And I didn't think I had any issues (at least recently), but by the end of that first sermon (titled "It's Okay to Not Be Okay"), I was finding it hard to keep from crying.

And starting from that Sunday, every day of the subsequent week just hit me. Every day.

I realized how lonely I was—single, Asian, prosecutor, officer, with no real friends here other than the other JAGs, and even then, not known by them. And the despair in figuring out how to make friends outside of those I knew, and not just married friends, but single friends, single Christian friends—people in my life stage who share the same values as me. And I've been here 9 months now? And haven't been able to make friends like that? I was/am so lonely.

I realized how unhappy I was at work, how under-appreciated I felt/feel. That week, I became so reserved at work that multiple people commented on it. In fact, I cried at work; cried hard and had to shut the door to keep other people from seeing, especially the enlisted. In fact, I cried for three days straight that week, and on the days I didn't cry, there were multiple moments when I was on the verge of crying and just held it in. At work, at home, on the drive home from work.

I think the fact that my 27th birthday last Saturday, my golden birthday, exacerbated a lot of those feelings. No one in my office was tracking it (we used to track birthdays and celebrate them on a monthly basis). And I didn't have any good friends here who I felt really appreciated me. [I'm going to write honestly here, because this may sounds self-centered, but it's what was going through my head.] Apparently not everyone knows what a golden birthday is, and it's not really any different from any other birthdays, but I just remember always thinking since I was a teenager what I'd be doing on my golden birthday, how I'd be celebrating turning 27 on the 27th, if I'd even make it to 27 (I sincerely doubted it for a time). But if I did make it to 27, then I always thought I'd do something awesome for my 27th birthday. Something....exciting, that made me happy. Not....spending the week prior crying and trying not to cry....not spending it in isolated North Dakota, with no good friends surrounding me....not spending it in an office that now feels sterile, slightly hostile, and joyless. No, I spent my 27th birthday mostly by myself, doing my best to enjoy it how I could—a quiet morning, a free drink at Starbucks, spontaneously visiting a park and walking down onto the frozen river for a bit. I did do an escape room with friends later and had dinner/drinks, but was home before...8:30pm? Got a phone call from C, which I loved, and we just caught up for the rest of the night.

As I read and think about it, I realize that I am lucky to be able to enjoy my birthday even like this. There are many people in the world who, by means of few resources or time, do not get the same opportunity. I think I just miss having close friends with me like I used to have in Houston.

...

So in that same week (last last week), I also realized that I could do something about being so lonely. I went to the chaplains on base for the first time and asked them if there was a young, single officer's small group they knew of. I knew of one, but it was mostly/all married couples, with and without kids (mostly with kids). (And there was so much touching going on during small group that it was super distracting to me, plus the timing & location were not ideal for me, due to work schedule and where I live......AND I think I was the only female officer there, which still makes things lonely for me.) And the chaplains said there wasn't but that they realized now it was a need. After all, I had been thinking, "I can't be the only single Christian officer on base who feels alone.......right?" So after a couple conversations with two different chaplains, during which I felt embarrassed/silly because I was also trying not to cry while explaining my problem, they decided they could definitely fulfill this need, but asked me to be the POC. So I said yes, and am excited, but still need to hear back from them about how to start reaching out, or reach back out myself and figure out next steps. So that was encouraging, and I might get to start something here at Minot that either hasn't existed before, or did and just died out.

...

So this past week was better, but I kept discovering new depths to my unhappiness at my office. I felt like leadership didn't really care about me; I feel like the most senior enlisted guy in my office alternately likes me and then dislikes me (and he has a lot of say in office dynamics); and I felt that no matter what I do, I can't win.

I was told that I seem to get overlooked in favor of the two other captains (who are both white, one of whom is brand new to the base!!—and I can't help but feel like that's a part of it), but the person who told me that also told me how much she had seen me grow in my professional and courtroom skills, and how she thinks I deserve more credit. So I SUPER appreciated that, but she also doesn't work in my office or get a say in my yearly performance report, so I need to find a way to make that more obvious to my leadership.

.......BUT, that's just the thing; I've tried talking myself up and I've tried complaining about how much work I've done, and neither of those things help me. [Even when I've legitimately done more than most, if not all, of my class of JAGs—and even many second-term captains!!—in terms of courts/discharge boards.] And that's why I feel like I can't win, because others can complain, or talk themselves up, or both, and they get kudos for it, whereas I seem to just get joking-but-possibly-degrading remarks from one person in my leadership (but he seems to alternately appreciate me and then make fun of me, and he mostly does both at once, so I can't tell what he's really saying—don't you hate that??). So I've GIVEN UP. I have lost my enthusiasm in trying to please my leadership.

And you know what? Maybe that's what's right. Because what's the point in trying to please them? I mean, yeah, I still want to do my job well and be respected, but screw my own misplaced self-interest since it doesn't seem to be helping me anyway. And things actually seem like they might get better if I just step back and do my job how I want to, because I dislike trying to brown nose anyway, and I would love to challenge my leadership, co-workers, and paralegals when I think it's right, and I would love to then not CARE about how that would maybe negatively affect my career. I mean, I care, but I think it's okay to care a little bit less. I refuse to just lay down and be passive, however, (1) because I don't want to perpetuate the "passive Asian" stereotype; (2) because I'm not passive—I'm passionate—even if some people don't see it right away...or ever, depending; (3) because I refuse to allow men to run the world/show just because they're men, when I'm entitled to run certain things because they are my duties and responsibilities; and (4) because I refuse to allow men (especially in the flipping military) to talk over me or dismiss me when they have no right or rank to (yes, I am an officer and I will remind you of it, because I would be a weak officer if I let an enlisted guy get away with disrespecting me); among possible other reason I'm not thinking of right now.

So that's me right now. Jaded, cynical, full of self-doubt, lonely, angry, and frustrated. I love the ones who know me dearly. It's undeniable that being here in Minot has taught me a new and deeper appreciation for the good and beautiful friends that I have.

Finding myself needing to leave for something else and with not much more to say on this topic for now, I will depart.

Trying to be creative :(

Welp, I just tried to recycle the mashed up bits of cooked fresh cranberries and orange pieces—that I had thrown into my newly-bought slow cooker along with apple juice (and a variety of spices) to make holiday hot cranberry apple cider, which turned out okay, maybe too tangy—into a cranberry orange trifle.

And it failed miserably hahahahaha. I thought it might, but I just didn't want to waste all the cranberry orange goodness...and it was kind of like a compote, and fruit trifles tend to use compote, so I thought, why the heck not—if it fails, it fails!

Here are probably the things that went wrong with it:

• Added too much sugar to the mashed up bits—I saw all these recipes online calling for 1.5 to 2 cups of sugar, so I compromised and went with 1...just ONE...cup, and it was still too much
• I didn't take the time to remove all the cloves and star anises that I had also thrown into the Crock-Pot, so sometimes I bit down on these hard spices that did not help with the flavoring D:
• Again, the spices give the compote a different taste—more spice-y and less fresh and fruity and zesty—not terrible, but definitely not great if you happen to bite into said spices

Anyway, I made a mini trifle in a separate bowl for me to taste (and a larger 13x9 inch one for...who knows whom), and I think the mini bowl was a failure, so I'll probably end up throwing out the big pan too. But maybe the larger one is better, since there's less compote in there, so less sweet? Still, blegh. I'm glad tomorrow morning is office PT because I feel like I need to run off what sugar I have ingested (and sodium today....felt like there was a lot of sodium today...).

Also to note for the future—I only made cranberry apple cider because I happened to see a bag of fresh cranberries at the grocery store and didn't resist the temptation to buy it, even though I didn't have a pre-existing idea of what I'd use it for. But if I'm going to make a holiday drink again, I think I'll stay away from the cranberries and stick to mulled apple cider or wassail (pronounced "WAH-sull" I think), which I have yet to make but have always meant to ever since I tried it that one time at a Rice servery during the holidays...

Anyway, going home soon for Thanksgiving! yay! :)

Already August (update)

Some thoughts (struggles) I've had recently:

• Trying to plan things or be productive with my free time / post-work time, but just being so tired mentally and losing almost all motivation to do anything else. I'm 3.5 months into my first real, long-term job, so maybe it's part of adjusting to that kind of lifestyle, even though I'm sure the student lifestyle was just as hard, if not harder, really. So I guess there's hope in just having time pass by and waiting for the adjustment to settle in.
• Not being as fit as I want to be, especially when it comes to running. Not waking up early enough to go exercise on my own, even when I should be used to it, and even though I can do it when I have to. So I guess, lack of discipline? That does make me angry at myself.
• Listening to sermons or advice from married people about being married or in a dating relationship / memories of similar sermons and advice. For about the first....idk, few dozen sermons/talks/panels/conversations about dating/marriage, I was like, "Oh, yeah, give me all the information! I have so much to learn! Hmm yeah, that's such good advice—right, okay, so marriage isn't as easy as many single people think. Okay, and you still have to work at it...and you shouldn't make it an idol....okay don't make kids an idol either....alright so don't expect to find a perfect person.....you're both imperfect blah blah blah. But Christ is the center, okay, and if you're dating, be sure to maintain boundaries, and if you're asking 'how far can we go,' that probably shows that you're not in the right head/heart-space anyway, k, got it....and don't forget you're both flawed! Yeah, that's right, okay." .................... But at this point in my life, I have heard pretty much everything several times over—from pastors, from married friends, from dating friends, from single friends. And I'm not saying it's wrong to hear all this many times, but for me, personally, at this point in my life, I am so sick of listening to any advice that has to do with being in a dating relationship or marriage. Why? Because I'm so far removed from it; because I'm not even CLOSE to any of it!!! Because none of it is even close to being applicable right now. I'm 26.5 and single, and very single in the sense that I've never even had a boyfriend or gone on more than 2 dates in my entire life. Yeah, that's pretty sad, but true. And before I can apply any of that sage advice about dating or being married, you'd think I'd have to find someone to apply it to, wouldn't you? And I'm nowhere close. There's not even a potential boy I could date right now (and the doubters out there would scoff at that, but the doubters out there aren't living my life in Minot, North Dakota, as a single female officer). So yeah. And I realize that different people react differently to others addressing or asking about their singleness, but at this point in my life, I'm one of those people who would appreciate a friend actually helping me find a good date or boyfriend rather than just spouting off more talk or information about what I should or shouldn't do in a relationship. Let's get to the relationship part, first.
• Being in a new city by myself, even though I really enjoy living alone and living this new experience. Still, having very, very few friends and almost no single friends. (And all my current friends being at least several years older than me, and anyone younger than me is usually enlisted, and therefore can't be friends with me. So no one truly around my age or even under 30 right now.) Dealing with natural negativity in friends here, when that burdens me more in trying to be positive and joyful, and wishing people in general would be more thankful about things in life, rather than finding anything to complain about. Having a dry spell in my faith; not consistently attending a church small group (partly my fault because I lose motivation to do anything after work, and partly because of the summer setup of small groups of the church I attend).

This has been a very complain-y blog post, but it is about the struggles I'm currently having. So yes, it is more negative than usual. That's not to say that there haven't been a lot of great things that have happened or are happening. There are, truly, and day-to-day, I'm actually pretty satisfied/fulfilled/happy, even when drained. Like today, when I randomly discovered that downtown Minot was having a festival with vendors, food, and music, and I went by myself and had a great time....because like heck I'm going to let my singleness (or aloneness) stop me from doing the things that I enjoy, even if those things would be possibly more enjoyed with a friend or significant other. But oftentimes, blogging is catharsis for me, and this is one of those times.