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Okay, because people keep asking me how church is going (knowing that I had switched), and because some people also ask me why I switched churches, and because I myself (still) am not super sure, and because I would like to know, I am embarking on a series of posts that will hopefully help unpack my reasons for and feelings about switching. And, as with all my posts, I include a disclaimer here that my thoughts are fallible, so forgive me if I'm wrong about something, but I write because it helps me think things through. These posts also probably won't come in a logical order, but anyway, onto today's topic:
Why the most difficult thing right now is getting to know people at my new church
I have some theories, and also the conclusion I came to regarding this specific difficulty. So, theories:
- It's a different type of church than what I'm used to. I mean, 50% of it is black, and I'm coming from a 99.5% Chinese church, and I've been going to Chinese churches most of my life. Multiracial is good, and that's one reason I chose this church, but my feeling right now is that the multiracial-ness is not fully...integrated? Taken advantage of? As in, it feels like there are only two cultures right now: the white culture and the black culture. (Which makes sense given the racial makeup of our church.) And it also feels like those two cultures have integrated, but if you don't happen to naturally fit into one of them, then you have to put in some extra work. And that can be hard, especially if you're like me, who is most comfortable either when there is no clear racial majority in a group (so basically the racial makeup at Rice), or if the racial majority is Asian American. In fact, I feel distinctly uncomfortable when I'm around only white people, or only black people, or only Hispanic people, etc. (Also, there may be some feelings about the....multiracial aspect. That is, not just whatever happens to be the dominant cultures, without taking into consideration everyone else who is there who doesn't happen to fit into one of those cultures. Merp this needs to be a blog post in and of itself, and it will be.)
- I'm not trying hard enough. And I think there is truth to this, because I expressly (in my head) went into trying out new churches with the intention of staying quiet and on the sidelines to see how a church treated its newcomers. I was tired of always being the one reaching out, always taking the initiative to take care of others, and I felt like I needed to be taken care of, and I wanted to find a church with leadership and older people who would take care of me. (Yes, I know! That's selfish and not what you're supposed to do! Wait for a future post on this. I'm not saying how I felt was right, just that that was how I felt at the time.) Truth be told, I actually felt rather lost as a newcomer at CLC (and even now), and I don't really feel taken care of. So, to be honest, I'm not sure if I really needed someone to take care of me, or if I just needed a break from taking care of others. In any case, my attitude on this is that I'm going back to being the more aggressive part of myself that just introduces myself to other people, and overcoming the awkwardness of meeting someone for both of us......grrr. Yes, this still drains me, so I'm always blown away when someone else takes the initiative, anddd blah okay whatever a future post on this maybe.
- The singles group is spread out & it's difficult to get to know people within a theater-church for logistical reasons & there are already cliques + racial lines + believe me, I've tried and failed to get to know some single people & even some singles who have gone to this church for 1+ years together still don't know each other, perhaps b/c of aforementioned reasons in this point. (I think this may be one of the biggest reasons.)
- The above point also includes the presumption that I am talking about getting to know people in the singles context, and that is true....I think as a single person right now, I have more in common with other single people, and therefore sharing life makes more sense in that context. I ALSO think that I know the married people better than the single people, and given the aforementioned similar-life-stage statement, it is LONELY/WEIRD to know only married people when you KNOW there are other single people around, but for some reason you don't really know them.
- Also, FULL DISCLOSURE, I feel like some of the single ladies at my church are kind of (maybe I'm totally imagining this lol) giving me the uh.....the eye? Or keeping an eye on me? To make sure I'm not there to steal their single boys, as in, so they have a better chance with them..........hahahahah oh my gosh yeah I know I could TOTALLY be imagining this BUT IF I'M NOT, thennnnn I AM NOT THERE TO GET AT YOUR BOYS BELIEVE ME OKAY? GEEZ I HAVEN'T EVEN DONE ANYTHING! I BARELY EVEN KNOW ANY OF THEM! I BARELY EVEN KNOW YOU (not that I know how this statement connects)! Man I think this is for like any new single girl who shows up, but sometimes I'm just like, whoa, am I not getting to know these people because they think I'll steal their single boys....? I mean, there are a few single girls I have gotten to know a little bit, and they are super nice and we get along, but sometimes I get this feeling that other girls are watching me........and you know, usually my instincts are correct!!!!! (And......this isn't something you would usually pick up on unless it were actually true, do you see what I'm saying??) OH MY GOSH I HAVE NEVER EVEN HAD A BOYFRIEND; I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO GET ONE; PROBABLY, I KNOW HOW TO NOT GET ONE??? WHATEVER IT'S ALWAYS THE OLDER, LIKE CREEPY OLDER, GUYS WHO HIT ON ME COME ONNNNNNNN. Okay was that TMI about my nonexistent love life? .......Don't know don't care.
- I am busy with law school, and especially this semester, so that means that sometimes I don't make it to growth group, and it also means that I don't make it to the singles Bible study that recently started, or social events. It is honestly hard enough keeping up with school and BJJ (which, I haven't been keeping up with recently, because SCHOOL), and....man, law school is no joke. I don't think people usually get it that I am destructible, that I am breakable, that past the apparent "toughness" and jokes and smiles, I have been so often overwhelmed this semester. Almost every day after I got home I just laid on my bed staring at the ceiling because I felt like I was going to implode if I didn't stop doing or thinking anything. I don't tell people this because people like to fix problems, and the last thing I need is someone trying to fix something that is not fixable (I feel like this is true for a lot of people and situations). Fragility. I haven't done everything I could have to get to know people or be a "better" Christian, but I'm not sorry, because being Christian isn't about ignoring circumstances and context just so you fit the "proper" image. Hmm, well this has been kind of a rant.
And my conclusion to all of this relates especially to point 6, which is to say: I accept that, right now, I am in a period of my life when it is going to be tough to get to know people because of being in law school. More and more, I am seeing confirmation from God that law school is where I'm supposed to be, and so I'm working at it. But working at it also means that I am almost constantly drained and need time for myself (again, not in a selfish way, I hope, but in the I'm-going-to-completely-burn-out-academically-and-emotionally-and-mentally-if-I-don't-stop-right-now way). Yeah, I do try to maintain relationships that I already have, but I accept that I am not really going to know people well at my new church right now because that does take a lot of effort, so this is going to be a lonely time in my life if other church people don't make the effort for a relationship with me. And that's okay; people are far from perfect, and for all of my complaining about other people not reaching out, I know that I ultimately don't have the right to complain about that or about anything, really. I understand that being lonely is okay (actually I kind of embrace it right now), because I have been 100 times more lonely than this before, and I survived and even came out better for it. It was actually a time of great growth in God, because it was just me and Him....and that's why I kind of embrace it now.
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Actually, you know what? I think a lot of my stress and uncertainty about switching churches and what people think of me here is really stemming from how I view Christianity vs. how many other people view Christianity. I honestly think that I just grew up with a different take on it, even if the basic beliefs are the same, and that's why I tend to clash with some people/ideas. And because I don't think the same way a lot of people here do, I feel really insecure because it seems like I'm always wrong about something, simply because I have a different idea, and I'm not sure if I'm actually wrong or if it just seems wrong because most other people think one way, and here I am on a different branch of the tree wondering why more people aren't with me on this branch. So maybe I need to think about and recalibrate how I myself view my own thoughts. Hmmmmmm sigh I really don't know. Okay, anyway, I'll write more about all this later.
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