Conflict management

That being said ("that" being my previous post), the guy I'm working closely with is really good at conflict management, and those skills had to be brought out tonight as we had some more things we disagreed strongly upon. For me, conflict management is one of those things that I know I need to work on, and something I'm not quite sure how to do well yet.

On the plus side for me, I think it was good I voiced my disagreement, or at least was vocal in trying to compromise/meet him halfway. This is better than avoiding the issue/conflict entirely, or sitting there letting bitterness sow or gossiping (I know these are usually big flaws of mine). He took it the rest of the way by deescalating things and stating that he should give my opinions more respect (which is really what I was upset over—not necessarily what we disagreed on—but I didn't actually say that straight out...was definitely hinting at it though; see, I don't know if that's one of those things I should say straight out or what....cause it seems like it can definitely get messy).

Another thing I've noticed before is that I do start getting defensive pretty quickly once someone starts attacking my logic, ideas, or understanding of something. Furthermore, either: (1) I get legitimately twisted around my words/thoughts that the other party thinks I'm trying to squirm my way out of wrong things I said and I start to lose credibility; or (2) I really do try to squirm my way out of wrong things I said and I start to lose credibility, even if I haven't totally realized I'm doing it.

I wonder if that is one of my fatal flaws—that when I am subjected to high-conflict + high-emotion situations, I start letting all this sin squirm through and reject having integrity and revert to the primal instinct of survival—in this case, the instinct of preserving my reputation that is upon a pedestal.

On the one hand, preserving my reputation isn't bad; in fact, it is essentially required by law for me as both an officer and attorney (yes—2 unique sets of ethics rules! And I can get disciplined under both! lol). On the other hand, I'm starting to realize that I do have this subtle sin of wanting to protect my reputation so far that I would actually lose it, if the truth came out. Now, that's actually a little dramatic, but if I'm okay with telling small lies now, then we can see how that could snowball in the future.

NOT saying, however, that I'm actually telling small lies when it comes to arguing with another party over something we disagree on, and why my logic is better etc. Tonight, as in other instances, I really felt like the other party (and other guy(s) in the room) weren't understanding what I was saying, or they themselves reneged on something they said but then denied it, or we were getting so into the weeds that I just lost my train of logic. I don't know. If this always happens, does that point towards me subconsciously trying to win at all costs? I know I do admit fault and am humbled, but how are those situations different than these, if they are different? Or perhaps I'm really so bad at verbalizing and explaining my internal thoughts and logic that people just get confused over what I'm saying, some of which might seem contradictory?

I would like to point out that this guy's and my conflict management all happened via text after he had left the room for the night (not intentionally on my part when I started it—I had just had the thought that I sent to him that then started the whole text messaging that was more resolution of our conflict—but see, that could be construed as me avoiding him in person). Sorry, got lost in the weeds there, but my point about the texting is that I seem (and believe that I am) much more coherent when I write things out (but so are most other people, right?). But maybe I'm like....MUCH more coherent?? Idk.

Anyway, this was very much stream of consciousness, and I really need to sleep now.