Life typos

Have been feeling a little meh these last few days, and wondering why. Perhaps I have discovered the answer...?

You would think
that I would be overjoyed in hanging out and chilling out and being active and sporty with the beautiful people of my fellowship this past week of freedom after finals.
And I am.

You would think
that I would have no complaints or uneasy feelings or any depression or anything missing in my heart.
But I do.

And I think
that I have realized even after having realized so many times that my happiness has a direct relationship with the sense of sorrow I feel.
Which is intriguing and somewhat paradoxical.

Let's start with the last one, as it seems to lead to answers for the first two.

This Happiness = k(Sense of sorrow) --> (I am such a NERD!) --> has its development in my middle school years. Every time something good would happen, such as a party or hanging out with friends, I would be very happy. Then I would return home, and remember that life isn't happy...always. When I got my SAT score, I cried. And while I was crying, I was analyzing why I was crying, because it wasn't entirely out of happiness (not even mostly). Relief. That was why. Relief from further tribulation. And this type of thing continued throughout high school.

So for me, happiness and sorrow have always gone hand-in-hand. In this fallen world, can there be one without the other? It has just been more ordinary for me to feel them together.

Which is why I must be feeling meh these past days--living for myself, having fun, enjoying summer. These aren't necessarily bad things, but then, it's almost like I'm running away from my own problems, or forgetting that there is still so much pain and suffering in this world, and how dare I forget that?? That it happens to close friends, to people I love. Mourn with those who mourn. Once innocence is destroyed, it can only come back together as "the easy life," forgetting and uncaring, held together by gossamer lies and stubbornness. Guilty.

I've forgotten much...become soft and foolish. This life to follow Christ--it isn't easy, and my path (which I am still asking God about), I feel, demands remembrance of suffering. Happiness is wonderful, but I can't just throw my past out the window. Shouldn't even want to.

And this disquieting feeling in my heart--it must come from my search for joy in friends rather than in God. I must not forget--He is my center. How to solve the problem? Read the Bible more!!! Moreover, pray. Have I not recently discovered what an amazing gift prayer is to mankind?

So, perhaps, it is a problem of re-centering my life, yet again.

At the cross You
beckon me
You draw me gently
to my knees, and I am
lost for words, so
lost in love
I'm sweetly broken
wholly surrendered

And the title--it really has little to do with the post. It's just a cool term that popped up when I was chatting with Ann =].